Messiah Trap

This month will mark my 20th wedding anniversary with my wonderful wife. It hardly seems possible and doesn't feel like that much time has passed. We are a couple of opposites, with her being an extrovert and me being an introvert. Our zodiac signs don't match (if you are into that type of thing), she is a Capricorn and I am an Aries. She is very biased, opinionated, and for the most part pessimistic about things. I am reflective, with a lot of self speak, and normally willing to look at the positive side of things and not feel that people have ulterior motives for "all" their actions.With that being said I love my wife very much. She is my lover, sustainer, and my best friend. My most satisfying time are seeing or making her smile and laugh.

The one thing I have learned in these twenty years was not to try and figure her out. She is who she is, and I am not a psychoanalyst. I recently read a book written by Carmen Renee Berry, who is one, called "When Helping You Is Hurting Me." It did give me a great deal of insight into my wife and the fact that she is caught in what Ms Berry calls the Messiah Trap.

There are two sides to the trap. Side one is when a person has the feeling that" If I don't do it, it won't get done." And side two is when they feel "everyone else's needs take priority over mine." The reason one has these feeling can be traced back to one's childhood. My wife experienced many of the underlying causes. Through the childhood trauma she learned 1.) No one will protect us. If we are to be safe, we have to rely on ourselves and 2.) adults are more important then children. We have to devise hidden rather than overt ways to protect ourselves.

There are different types of Messiahs. I found that I too had some of the Messiah traits. But I did not feel as responsible for other people to the magnitude where I was trapped by actions. There are Pleasers who feel responsible for other peoples happiness, Givers feel responsible for other people's material needs, Protectors feel responsible for people' safety, Rescuers feel responsible for other people's crises, Counselors feel responsible for other peoples problems, Teachers feel responsible for other people understanding their lives, and Crusaders feel responsible for ensuring justice in other peoples lives. My wife seems to match all of these with the exception of Crusader.

I think because of unresolved pain in my wife's childhood she developed the eight characteristics evident in most Messiahs.1.) Tries to earn a sense of worth by acting worthy, 2)Lets others determine her actions,3)Needs to overachieve,4)Is attracted to helping those with similar pain, 5)Experiences difficulty in establishing peer and intimate relationships, 6.)Is caught in isolation, 7)Is driven to endless activity, and 8) Stops only when she drops.

We are slowly breaking out of the trap knowing that you cannot save everyone and that she must take time for herself. We have date night, take time to go to movies from time to time and try to have a relaxing dinner at a nice restaurant at least once a week. She is no longer a school teacher, which was pulling her heavily into the trap,and we have begun to allow our children and older grandchildren to make their own mistakes as a part of their lives. It is a battle for both of us but it is journey that we can handle "together".