My mother will reach the ripe old age of 92 this year. Up until the time she was 85 she stayed lived alone in our childhood home in St Louis independently. As her health began to fail it became apparent that she would need someone to help her with even the most basic of needs. My older brother who was retired from the military and living in Florida with his family came home to see if he could help take care of her. In his heart, as with many children, he had promised our mother that she could remain in her house until she died.
We started with "chore help" at the house, where mom could get someone to come to the house during the day to help clean up, get her meals together, along with a physical therapist once a week. This helped but my brother still needed to stay at the house with her, so she would have assistance overnight and during the hours when no one was assigned. This took a great toll on him. His marriage which had already suffered considerably from internal problems went to shambles. He has been through two failed attempts for a divorce and his wife is still receiving all his money to pay for his house, expenses, car payments, insurance and anything else which comes up there. His health has deteriorated. As an Army vet near 70 on disability, he has his own medical issues. One time during this year both he and my mother were in the hospital at the same time.
Last year it became apparent that we would have to place mom in an assistant living facility. My brother could no longer take care of her adequately by himself. After one of her hospital visits she was placed in a rehab program and then we transitioned her to he hospitals extended care facility. One of the things that really makes me angry is to see the television commercials that advertise a place for mom and health care options for senior citizens. The commercials show individuals in homes which are nicer than my own, with ability to do things self sufficiently. They show retirement homes with activities such as members nicely dressed, playing cards, dancing, or receiving delicious meals at home prepared by a young well dressed care giver. This is not the real world unless you are white and have a substantial amount of money.
When I called "A Place For Mom" they told me they couldn't help me because my mother didn't have enough money and since she was on Medicare, she could go through Medicaid to try to get into a nursing home facility. When I looked into the facilities for Medicaid, the beds were all filled, or the facility had a very poor staffing or operational rating. They never discuss what a low income individual can do. Living in a home that was built in the 1940's in a neighborhood which has now run down and drug infested, my mother hadn't been outside , even to sit on her own front porch, for several years. My mother still asked every time we see her, when she is going home. It is heartbreaking. I try to go home at least once a month now to try and give my brother a break and support. His heart will not let him leave my mother, even while she is in the assisted living facility, because of the fact that he is afraid of how she will be cared for. The stories are numerous and true about nursing home neglect and abuse.
Dealing with Medicaid has been a nightmare. They were suppose to take money from mom's bank account to supplement their payments to the nursing home. They allowed her tom stay six months before accurately placing her case in. The system. When we asked about what was going own the personnel at the state office had no clue, told us not to worry, and even gave us bad information on how it would be handled. At the end of the day, we were told we owed $5,400 for her stay and if we didn't pay we would be charged with Medicaid fraud. We had most of the money, but my brother had used some on mom's money to pay bills that were still coming in at our house, where he was staying.
While all of us may not end up with the situation o9f caring for older parents, many of us will. Family caregivers should receive compensation o9f some sort for all the give and the stress on their lives. Yes, it is an obligation to take care of a loved one, but it shouldn't be the end of two lives. I pray for all those who are going through this.
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