Miss Jenkins

 This year we moved into a new complex with six townhouse units. My wife has become the Miss Jenkins, or more accurately the Benita Butrell of the complex. For those who don't have a clue who this is, she was a character played by Kim Wayans on the ground breaking show In Living Color (look it up and check out you tube). She was the neighborhood gossip, known for her affection of Miss Jenkins (a black drama coach), who is usually the target of her most vicious gossip, and then endin  her stories with " I'm not one to gossip". My wife knows all the 411 that occurs in the complex, including people's comings and goings, the car parked out front, and who /why they are visiting. Why the people across the street haven't cut their grass, along with a multitude of information about all the various people that walk or take their dogs for a stroll in the park we use across the street.

It is amazing to me that she can just see a car coming down the street and know/feel that it is going to turn. And those people that allow their dogs to drop poop on the walking path are the worst people in the world. I sometimes call her captain obvious, since this is pointed out every day when it is seen, even after being squashed by bike riders. And speaking of bike riders, they too are so inconsiderate for passing without alerting the walkers like ourselves. Being somewhat paranoid also does help my Benita, as most things spotted are immediately identified as a problem. Why is that person down by the lake, are they feeding the alligators? Why is that car parked in the park so early in the morning and on several days in a row, it must be drug activity or clandestine meetings of some type. 

My time in the park and at home is to relax and enjoy the gifts of live. I've learned not to try to figure out everything or to judge. Usually when you do that you are looking at things through your perspective or how you would do things and without any idea of what is really going on with someone else. Sometimes when you see someone sitting on a bench they have not just had an argument with someone, looking for someone to mug, or homeless. They just want to exhale, breath some fresh air and enjoy the scenery.

Be For Real

 In my eyes today the most important trait that I have is that I am "for real". Real in my thinking and my actions towards others. I live in today and try not to live yesterday over and over. I'm not looking at the future with fear since it is unreasonable to be afraid of something that is either not life threatening (since we will all die at some point) or out of my control at this moment. I still believe in the "golden rule" of treating people the way you want to be treated. This seems to be a rule that has been forgotten or replaced by the rule that those who are more educated, have more money, or power treat others as being less than themselves. Racism is rampant, whether implicit or explicit. I am trying my best to be antiracist both to others and my own ethnic group.

The world today and particularly the United States is in a state of decline. Our politics are completely off the rails as the oppressors take advantage of the weak among us or just don't care. It is all about winning, having more, and the divide between what used to be two strong parties has deteriorated into winner take all and anything to beat the opposition. People see the facts and the world the way they want them to be instead of the way they are. Truth is whatever you believe and can convince other to believe.  

I believe in telling people what I believe based on as much knowledge as I can muster. Those who can't believe facts are prone to conspiracy theories and paranoia. I try to treat everyone with some respect or dignity because I don't know their situation. I don't go out of my way to cater to those who believe they are above me, just because of who they are or want to be. Smile in your face and talk about you behind you back is just not my style.

It is no wonder that most motion pictures portray the future as not a pleasant place. I read where there were creatures on this planet tens of thousands of years ago. It is hard to even imagine when our current calendar only has been counting for the last two thousand years. What will life be here after I am gone and we have climate change, technology changes, governments rise and fall? I'd really like to know but we can only guess. If at some point we learn to all live together on this small planet as "one" race, things could be very different. Until then I'll just try "to be for real."

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Are you a Verbal Narcissist?

 After spending most of my working life as a salesperson and in the management of salespeople I have worked very hard on developing one important skill for success. The skill is the ability to "listen". While many people think they are listening to what people are saying, they really aren't. In the case of salespeople, they typically want to talk more and get their points across, than to listen to s clients needs or questions. In normal life most people appear to be listening, but in their minds they are really formulating their response or next point.

 While you are thinking about what you are going to say, you can't focus on what is being said to you. It takes a lot of work and effort to truly listen. Part of the major problem with politicians these days, are that they do not listen to "understand". They listen for their opponent to make a mistake or say something they can capitalize on for their advantage. I can listen to a conspiracy theorist without interrupting and try to follow their thought. After that I can then respond with my beliefs and why, or ask for more information (facts) to support their idea. 

I have also learned that some people are just what I call "verbal narcissist". These are people who are love to hear themselves talk and believe that they "always" have something to talk about, whether you are interested or not. They have a comment on everything and love to talk about all the things that they have done or their knowledge on any subject. My brother is one of these people. I love him and he has had many life experiences, having been in the military and retiring as Colonel. Even while we were growing up he was the talker while I was more reflective and introverted. I learned over time that I didn't really need to talk unless I had something to say which added to a conversation, presentation, or relationship. As I have gotten older I have found it hard to deal with the verbal narcissist I meet. It is hard to get a word in during the conversations and when I do I pretty much feel like I am not really being listened to. 

I truly believe that patience is a virtue and I try to demonstrate it as much as possible. Many times people will let you know that they believe they are right most of the time, and any response or input from you is viewed as criticism. However, life is short and gets shorter everyday, so I'll continue to have the best conversations of my life with myself.

Don't Sweat It

 After reading Ibram X Kendi's book on "How to be an Antiracist" during the surge of the Black Lives Matter movement, the Trump era, and the pandemic I have tried to strive to look at each individual's behavior separately and not part of any collective body, such as all Blacks, all whites, women, men, gay, straight, rich or poor. Of course I have my biases, whether explicit or implicit. After all I see the world through the glasses that I have had on for my entire life and those experiences that may be similar to others but are still mine alone,

My wife has a whole different set of experiences and it is very obvious when looking at the way we view the world and others. She  is very much a person who feels that she is intuitive when looking at others actions and can develop a storyline around everything based on her experiences. This includes may racist ideas, conspiracy theories, and stereotypes. None of these are bad in and of themselves, since curiosity and the need to have information are beneficial in getting things accomplished. 

We all have to be careful though to not push our thoughts as truth without any other facts than "I know or believe that to be true." Also this can lead us to paranoia and add stress when it is not needed. At my age I try to see the blessing I have and not think that everyone is trying to "get over" on you, or out to do you harm. I my wife's case this includes the squirrels in the park, that have been fed by walkers, and now are not afraid of people. She has read their minds now and lets me know everyday about this and that they are begging for food every time one comes close All rule breakers are pointed out. Those that walk on the wrong side of the path, no dog lease, park in different places with their lights on, people who don't use turn signals are subject to her wrath.

Now that the pandemic is coming down and people again begin "to socialize" again I hope that I can maintain my view of "not sweating the small stuff" and maintain a positive view of things until I can see that really was something that needs to be corrected, because it affects me and mine. Life is short and to get the most out of it one must try to be the best that "you" can be while either helping others do the same or getting out of their way.

The Best and Worst of Times

 The year 2020 has ended and turned out to be one of the worst years of my life. However, I will also think of it of my most blessed years. Our lockdown in Florida began right after I returned from Key West and a great wedding anniversary with my wife of over twenty years. With the lockdown came the end to such joyful excursions, trips to restaurants, museums, and other attractions here in the Tampa Bay area. We were basically confined to our two bedroom condo and the Schooner Cove property where we lived. Donna and I went to the grocery store together with me staying in the car and she cooked all our meals. We did a lot of reading and tv watching. Trump and his last year in office became a focal point for our readings and  discussions. 

During the year the wife became excited about the creation of generational wealth and we went on a quest to look for an investment property. This major distraction led us to trips to local cities looking at houses. We spent time looking at our finances and working with mortgage companies for pre approval. Keep in mind that real estate was never any thing that I was interested in but it was a project my wife really liked, and it also kept us involved in a joint project. Our first venture to purchase a condo and rent it as an investment got all the way to the end and then the financing fell apart. It was a great disappointment. We  then looking at single family homes outside of Tampa and that proved fruitless for us also. By the end of the year Donna got me to look at a townhouse that we had watched being built over the year at a location close to where we lived. While it was twice what we where paying for the condo, we put an offer in on it and got financing approved and moved in Feb 2021. Donna rented out the condo so she still was involved with having real estate.

The year was awful for so many people who had the corona virus and the thousands of deaths. People where losing their jobs, housing, and lives. Children were out of school and unable to be in contact with friends and family. Airline travel and even hotel stays were off the table. Leaving with my wife who is a self proclaimed germaphobic became even more challenging. Staying in close quarters twenty four seven brought about stress and even the one person who is the love of your life and best friend can get on your nerves. As a seventy year old man with concrete values and ways of doing things now having a person critiqing everything you do from your driving to loading the diss washer can be frustrating.

For the entire year our daughter was having legal issues from being encarcerated to probation. Her children had been separated and scattered between her son's father, her estranged sister , and child protective services. Our middle granddaughter was left to her own accord and became engulfed by the streets. In October she became a statistic and was murdered. We were very close and I had tried all my life to be a positive force in her life and a good male figure, but her environment and family pushed her in the wrong direction and the system and I failed her.

With all this came the rise of racism in this country. The murder of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor lead to a movement that swept the country and the world. The Karens came out of the woodwork as well as hate groups. It was very difficult to watch our country expose what I already knew as well as almost all black people. I have lived through alot including the assassination of a President and the changes that came after for civil rights in the sixties. The assassination of  a great civil rights leaders including Martin Luther King Jr. and the decline in the movement afterwards. However, now that we have had a black president (something I thought I would not see in my lifetime) we have put someone in power to undo all that kumbaya nonsense. White are in power and will always be, or we will burn this country down.

But during all of this I have been TRUELY blessed. I nor  anyone in my family caught the virus or succumb to it. My 93 year old mother, who is in a nursing home and was isolated from everyone for months has survived and lived to take the vaccine. During the lockdown we did not suffer any financial hardship which would have a lasting impact on our lives. In actuality were were able to save some funds due to the lockdown and have actually increased our net worth. No loss of food for meals, medicine, housing, insurance, or savings being wiped out. We were able to go to a park even during the lockdown and walk almost everyday and enjoy the weather here in Tampa. No floods, tornados, fires, and even the hurricanes did not materialize here.

 I'm still here, I'm still alive, and blessed because the favor of God is on me. I do not look for or worry about the big or small things that may happen, but realize all the big things that I am blessed with. The ability to pay my bills, see the sunrise and sunset, watch the rain fall, walk in the park, and to have someone who loves me that I can share each day with. I have tried to look at my life this year from the positive viewpoint, not paranoid , not from a racist perspective (yes, black people can be racist too), and not with the thought that everyone is conspiring against me. I love the comic strip Pickles in the newspaper. It is about a husband and wife (Earl & Pearl) who are grandparents and live together. They are visited sometimes by their grown  daughter and their grandson Nelson, who is quit inquisitive. They remind me so much of my day to day world that it makes me smile and laugh most the time at some of the things they do and say to each other. 

I am looking forward to 2021 and to returning to what many call normal life. I can only pray that things in our collective country get better. It has a long way to go. I'm only human so I know that there is an end in sight for me, but I hope to be blessed for the remainder of what is left.

2020 Hindsight

 The year 2020 started off with a great deal of promise. We had finalized out move to Florida during the second half of 2019 and our first visitors arrived with my son and his wife coming down for a weekend visit before heading to Miami for a wedding. We had gone to California to my youngest son's wedding in October and had a great time. The our youngest daughter came to visit at Christmas with her boyfriend and three children. They left the kids with us until after New Years and we had a great time. We were able to enjoy my wife's birthday in January with a fine dining experience and on our wedding anniversary, March 16th we too a trip down to Key West. 

That basically was the end of good times. Upon our return the pandemic was in full swing and lock downs and stay at home orders were the standard of life. No longer were we  free to venture out to restaurants and museums. No social contact and masked wearing. Life in Florida became a scary daily routine and continued throughout the year. The killings of Black men and women by the police sparked a Black Lives Matter movement that spanned the globe. All the while our president spread hatred and division throughout the country. The white privilege and racism which was always present in our country was given the go ahead to come out and reveal itself in ways that were only imagined before. To make things worst our youngest daughter and her boyfriend were diehard Trump followers, believing in the conspiracy theories and constant misinformation. I gave them room to have their own beliefs, but limited my contact with them.

As a black man who grew up knowing racism first hand I find it hard to believe when politician say "this is not who we are". I believe it is and has been, since the country was created. Coming from a single parent family after my father died, I did not get the "talk" . I lived the talk and have known the fear of living in America for my entire life, as well as bias that exist throughout our society. However in 2020 social media has let it come out in the most incredulous of ways. Watching the TV media became an everyday event, which either re-enforced conspiracy theories and lies, or a way of finding the truth, depending on which channel you follow.

As the pandemic raged and the partisan politics continued in the congress and the supposed halls of democracy I faced my most heartbreaking experience. Our middle daughter had been arrested after a altercation and her children had been placed in the care of child protective services. One of the kids went to their father, one to her father's mother, while her 16 year old was left out to fend for herself. She went from home to home of friends and her father's relatives. We knew that she was getting involved with the wrong people and some criminal activity. We tried to get her to come to us but no one really worked on behalf. In October she was murdered and became another victim of gun violence, gangs, and the system. I loved her so much and the hole in my heart will never be filled. 

The election came around and Joe Biden was elected. But, our egotistic president could not accept defeat and the news again was filled with his ranting of a rigged election. For weeks at the end of the year, instead of looking out for the country during the pandemic he pouted and reeved up hi supporters that he was the winner, even after many recounts and a differential of over 7 million votes. Many of his supporters including those in congress believed him and with the browning of America, they voiced their rage at the thought that they were losing their country and the man who supported the fact that by keeping America white would make America great again.

People thought that the end of 2020 would lead to better times. A President with apathy and genuine concern for the country versus himself. However, president Trump stomped on our most revered process, which was the peaceful transfer of power after a fairly held election. He called for his supporter to storm the capital to take it over so that he could be install as the next president. And the did on January 6, 2021. No matter how bad Trump may have been morally the one thing that he had going for him was that he wasn't Black. For that he was  "one of them."

We are now looking forward. There are cries for "unity" which I have heard over and over again. And while I never thought I would see a Black president in my lifetime and it happened, I have less faith in this cry for unity happening before my demise.