Care Giving

My mother will reach the ripe old age of 92 this year. Up until the time she was 85 she stayed lived alone in our childhood home in St Louis independently. As her health began to fail it became apparent that she would need someone to help her with even the most basic of needs. My older brother who was retired from the military and living in Florida with his family came home to see if he could help take care of her. In his heart, as with many children, he had promised our mother that she could remain in her house until she died.

 

 We started with "chore help" at the house, where mom could get someone to come to the house during the day to help clean up, get her meals together, along with a physical therapist once a week. This helped but my brother still needed to stay at the house with her, so she would have assistance overnight and during the hours when no one was assigned. This took a great toll on him. His marriage which had already suffered considerably from internal problems went to shambles. He has been through two failed attempts for a divorce and his wife is still receiving all his money to pay for his house, expenses, car payments, insurance and anything else which comes up there. His health   has deteriorated. As an Army vet near 70 on disability, he   has his own medical issues. One time during this year both he and my mother were in the hospital at the same time.

 

Last year it became apparent that we would have to place mom in an assistant living facility. My brother could no longer take care of her adequately by himself. After one of her hospital visits she was placed in a rehab program and then we transitioned her to he hospitals extended care facility. One of the things that really makes me angry is to see the television commercials that advertise a place for mom and health care options for senior citizens. The commercials show individuals in homes which are nicer than my own, with ability to do things self sufficiently. They show retirement homes with activities such as members nicely dressed, playing cards, dancing, or receiving delicious meals at home prepared by a young well dressed care giver. This is not the real world unless you are white and have a substantial amount of money.

 

When I called "A Place For Mom" they told me they couldn't help me because my mother didn't have enough money and since she was on Medicare, she could go through Medicaid to try to get into a nursing home facility. When I looked into the facilities for Medicaid, the beds were all filled, or the facility had a very poor staffing or operational rating. They never discuss what a low income individual can do. Living in a home that was built in the 1940's in a neighborhood which has now run down and drug infested, my mother hadn't been outside , even to sit on her own front porch, for several years. My mother still asked every time we see her, when she is going home. It is heartbreaking. I try to go home at least once a month now to try and give my brother a break and support. His heart will not let him leave my mother, even while she is in the assisted living facility, because of the fact that  he is afraid of how she will be cared for. The stories are numerous and true about nursing home neglect and abuse.

 

Dealing with Medicaid has been a nightmare. They were suppose to take money from mom's bank account to supplement their payments to the nursing home. They allowed her tom stay six months before accurately placing her case in. The system. When we asked about what was going own the personnel at the state office had no clue, told us not to worry, and even gave us bad information on how it would be handled. At the end of the day, we were told we owed $5,400 for her stay and if we didn't pay we would be charged with Medicaid fraud. We had most of the money, but my brother had used some on mom's money to pay bills that were still coming in at our house, where he was staying.

 

While all of us may not end up with the situation o9f caring for older parents, many of us will. Family caregivers should receive compensation o9f some sort for all the give and the stress on their lives. Yes, it is an obligation to take care of a loved one, but it shouldn't be the end of two lives. I pray for all those who are going through this.

Let the Sideshow Begin

Five hundred days into the Trump  and it is hard not to have opinions or get away from the media commentary. There is so much going on everyday and so much material. For hose who are Trump supporters I guess all is well and his agenda is the right one. It is difficult for me to see a congruent ideology versus a personality.

Many people thought that having an African American president would turn the tide in American. However, I believe that all it did was expose the things that were wrong in American and opened the door for a new era in American history. Obama led American out of a cruising recession, economic downturn, natural disasters, and ongoing war. All the while with the majority leaders in the senate and house openly pledging not to support any of his efforts. He was able to do some good anyway, both in the areas of saving major industries, financial institutions, and even some civil rights.



However, this only made many people threatened both by a minority leader and the party that represented him. It emboldened many to come forward  in a way that was not previously respected or condoned. The reality star was king of the world and now saw a chance to take that crown in the world of politics. Make America great again with a man who would say whatever he felt to beat down his competition. All for the win baby win, and the put down of anyone that dared to get down in the mud with him. America was built on the genocide of the indigenous people of our country and the slavery of another. This is clearly "white mans land" and we need to get back to it. No more Mexicans, Africans, or any other types of people. Trumps motto is to be the Top Dog.

 

So he won and people were surprised. But not me. Just like when people say that the police force has a few "bad apples" that need to be held accountable for their use of excessive force on minorities. If every force has a few bad apples, that leads to "a lot" of bad apples in the system. I doubt that people would be willing to have a few bad apples in their hospitals, schools, or courts. But I'm sure it happens. What is hard for me to believe is that many average people believed the con that Trump was selling about being for the "working and average citizen" when he has never been one himself.

 

Trump is a person who is self centered and craves adoration and acclaim from those around him. He praises many of the foreign leaders such as Putin and Kim Jung Un because that are strong dictators, and he like to operate in that fashion. He wants the Presidency to be his ruling with loyal subjects. The other parts of government in our democracy are in his way. Blame things on the other party, or on his own if they don't want to see it his way. Come up with untrue stories and facts to prove his points are right, and do it in any situation necessary. He is dismantling things that support our way of life both legally and morally. Our justice department, once the most respected in the world is now in a shambles. A man with no experience ever in public service, elected to be our most respected commander and chief.

 

The sideshow goes on daily and I see no hope or change in sight, since there is no one in either party with the balls to challenge the "King". Hopefully, our constitution an way of government will survive but it will never be the same. No telling what things will look like when the curtain comes down.

Trumped

I have resisted writing all the things I feel about our current President and the state of our country. However, after being bombarded daily with the soap opera that is occurring it is difficult. Our country has been trumped, conned, and bamboozled by an individual who is narcissist with a superiority complex, and the power obtained by money and entitlement. 

 

Our President may love our country because of the wealth and power that it has allowed him to obtain. Many feel that he is the poster child of what we need to be successful as a country. But I truly believe that his intent when running for the presidency was to improve his position and that of his family. Even if he didn't win, he still would win because of publicity and the contacts made. It was a surprise to him and a great number of us that he won. However, when you appeal to those who have lost faith in the current government and believe that a new approach is necessary, I understand.

 

We now have a President who really shows no moral compass and who has been shown to have racial bias, misogyny, and xenophobia. Like an Egyptian pharaoh he has taken his position on the throne, as he sees it, to rule over his subjects. Those who are not loyal are punished and those who do not agree or challenge him are removed. The Hebrews, or the immigrants are getting to big in numbers and they must be stopped. This especially gets for the dreamers. It is easy for me as a black man to understand how there can be so many Americans who agree. They feel when the minorities increase and win, they lose.

 

This President knows nothing about diplomacy or the way of government. He does not intent to learn. Just wing it and throw out ideas based on talking to his friends and family, non of whom have the total picture of the economy or the world. A man who says things that any other  politician would be scorned for, or lose their position. An adulterer, who has openly bragged about his activities. A President who has inserted nepotism into the white house with no conscience about it at all.

 

Some people that I know, including my step daughter think that this person is the one to lead us. Their belief that the government is so corrupt , that a man who tells it like it is, won't back down, and who only wants to win at any cost to others (beside his followers) will make America great again.  They turn a blind eye to things that would have gotten others crucified. I can't imagine how this would have played out for President Obama. These are the things that many white Americans felt might happen with a black president.

 

  I only hope that our democracy can survive. Many have not, as this type of governing leads to the downfall of many. In God I trust if we do not.

Messiah Trap

This month will mark my 20th wedding anniversary with my wonderful wife. It hardly seems possible and doesn't feel like that much time has passed. We are a couple of opposites, with her being an extrovert and me being an introvert. Our zodiac signs don't match (if you are into that type of thing), she is a Capricorn and I am an Aries. She is very biased, opinionated, and for the most part pessimistic about things. I am reflective, with a lot of self speak, and normally willing to look at the positive side of things and not feel that people have ulterior motives for "all" their actions.With that being said I love my wife very much. She is my lover, sustainer, and my best friend. My most satisfying time are seeing or making her smile and laugh.

The one thing I have learned in these twenty years was not to try and figure her out. She is who she is, and I am not a psychoanalyst. I recently read a book written by Carmen Renee Berry, who is one, called "When Helping You Is Hurting Me." It did give me a great deal of insight into my wife and the fact that she is caught in what Ms Berry calls the Messiah Trap.

There are two sides to the trap. Side one is when a person has the feeling that" If I don't do it, it won't get done." And side two is when they feel "everyone else's needs take priority over mine." The reason one has these feeling can be traced back to one's childhood. My wife experienced many of the underlying causes. Through the childhood trauma she learned 1.) No one will protect us. If we are to be safe, we have to rely on ourselves and 2.) adults are more important then children. We have to devise hidden rather than overt ways to protect ourselves.

There are different types of Messiahs. I found that I too had some of the Messiah traits. But I did not feel as responsible for other people to the magnitude where I was trapped by actions. There are Pleasers who feel responsible for other peoples happiness, Givers feel responsible for other people's material needs, Protectors feel responsible for people' safety, Rescuers feel responsible for other people's crises, Counselors feel responsible for other peoples problems, Teachers feel responsible for other people understanding their lives, and Crusaders feel responsible for ensuring justice in other peoples lives. My wife seems to match all of these with the exception of Crusader.

I think because of unresolved pain in my wife's childhood she developed the eight characteristics evident in most Messiahs.1.) Tries to earn a sense of worth by acting worthy, 2)Lets others determine her actions,3)Needs to overachieve,4)Is attracted to helping those with similar pain, 5)Experiences difficulty in establishing peer and intimate relationships, 6.)Is caught in isolation, 7)Is driven to endless activity, and 8) Stops only when she drops.

We are slowly breaking out of the trap knowing that you cannot save everyone and that she must take time for herself. We have date night, take time to go to movies from time to time and try to have a relaxing dinner at a nice restaurant at least once a week. She is no longer a school teacher, which was pulling her heavily into the trap,and we have begun to allow our children and older grandchildren to make their own mistakes as a part of their lives. It is a battle for both of us but it is journey that we can handle "together".